as far as content goes it is a solid story that leaves me wanted to know what happens next...i dont know what draft this is but it needs some edit work...i ran across a paid editor that seemed reasonable and sent some stuff to the...www.firsteditting.com
outside of that i highlighted a few places that are minor...again the content rocks...cant wait to read more...
one of the best books for writers that i have ever read is Strunk and White's Elements of Style...i read it once a year...if you havent read it it is worth it for your career...this is the same White that wrote Charlotte's web...
hope this is helpful...and thanks for all the positive comments on my art...that is very encouraging to me
if ever i can help you in any way don't hesitate to call on me
f
The sun of the new day was kissing the horizon as Special Agent Aaron Hold sat at the tiny desk that had, for the past 3 months, become his office. He sat staring at an ever unchanging green radar screen, wondering if he could endure another 3 months. He wasn’t at all sure he could. He spent his days sleeping, reading, surfing the net, his life was utter boredom, and then it was time to go to work, once again, utter boredom. Baker had always been a loner, so graveyard shift was not the problem, the lack of anything to keep the blood pumping was.
He sighed got up and walked to the observation windows. The northern territories of Alaska were always hip deep in snow this time of year. At first he was fascinated with it, he had never seen this much snow before, having been raised in the deep south it was not uncommon to go your entire life and not see snow like this, or snow at all. The snow had lost is beauty the first time he had to drag his ass through it to an adjacent building to check on an apparent computer malfunction. Tonight he longed for his homeland, he had grown up in South Padre Island, his norm was beach, sand and sun, not snow and howling sub zero winds.
He glanced back at the radar screen, as he suspected, nothing had changed, it never did. He was sent here to observe the operation, and operation that was totally off the books, a lookout/listening post to keep an eye on Russia. The rest of the crew were all military, Holt was the only F.B.I. agent on the compound. He chuckled at the thought of just how gung ho these military guys are, way too rigorous for his tastes. He could tell that the post commander wasn’t happy that Holt didn’t salute, jump for revelry, keep his clothes perfectly ironed and his bed was rarely made, he laughed again.
Aaron looked down and noticed the wear marks on the floor, there was a distinct pattern, and it appeared that everyone that worked this station took the same path in their pacing. As he stood there watching the sun come up, his favorite part of this job, he thought about how this adventure that had become his life had all began.
Aaron Holt had grown up and orphan, his parents were killed in a freak accident when he was only 2 years old. Having not relatives that anyone could find the state had placed him in Doolittle house, a state run home for orphans, and there he stayed until he headed off to college. His love of solitude came from growing up in a house with 19 other siblings and never having one moment of quite time, never a single second of time to be alone, now that he was an adult and away from all that he cherished his alone time, he loved just sitting alone in a room and reading a book, watching a movie or just listening to his vast collection of MP3s.
Becoming an agent for the F.B.I. was not something Aaron had ever even thought about, it was totally happenstance that led this career. Aaron had always been a hard worker, he studied with a zeal his teachers had never seen before, he was determined to get out, make something of himself, he knew he was heading to college; he just wasn’t sure how he would pay for it. He had gotten a second hand computer for his 14th birthday and his world changed forever. He found it natural to write programs, build web pages and hacking into the other kid’s computers to see what they were up too became a game he enjoyed more than any other.
Aaron would spend hours at night surfing the web, collecting as much information on colleges as he could find. After some months of research he finally decided on the University of California at Berkley. UC Berkley offered a very comprehensive computer science/ information technology course, and from the reviews of educators around the world he surmised it was one of the best on the planet. Now the problem was getting accepted, then paying for it. He was sure he could get some grants, scholarships, and other assistance, but would it be enough for him to pay for everything and survive?
It was the start of his senior year; he was in the lead for the valedictorian race that would help ensure more scholarships. He applied for acceptance to, and a scholarship from UC Berkley, and was anxiously awaiting a response from them; it had been months and nothing, not a word. Every day he would run home to find that once again he had not gotten a letter. Then it happened.
One day, shortly after Christmas break, while sitting in Trigonometry the secretary came into the room, spoke to the teacher, then asked Aaron to accompany her to the principal’s office. Once in the office the principal asked him to close the door behind him, this of course made him a bit nervous, he couldn’t think of a single thing he had done to be in trouble over, he kept to himself, spent his lunch breaks reading or studying, so what could he had possibly done?
“Aaron, thank you for coming down, how are you today?” Her tone was pleasant enough, and she had a glint her eye, that glint that said she knew something he didn’t know.
“I’m good, yourself?” he struggled to keep his state of near panic in check.
“Good thank you. I asked you to come here so I can share something with you Aaron. I received a call from Mr. Goldman with UC Berkley this morning. I have emailed him your transcripts to this point. He asked questions that led me to believe that he is seriously considering you for acceptance. He’s been made aware of your family situation.” At that he bristled. Being raised as a ward of the state of Texas was not something he was proud of, or something he wanted spread around to become fodder for the masses. “Calm down. I only told him because there are special grants and scholarships you will qualify for as a child with no parents.”
“He said you have applied for the computer sciences, information technology program?” She picked up her coffee cup and took a sip while she wanted for some kind of response from me.
“Yes Mam. I want to become a programmer, or work in the IT field.” He always got a bit carried away when talking about computers, so he decided that was response enough.
“Good. Mr. Goldman will be there on Monday to meet with you in person. I told him that it would be virtually impossible for you to fly out to California to meet with him. He’s interested enough to come here instead, that should tell you something.” Again she took another sip of her coffee while he sat there in stunned silence.
“Aaron, you’ve worked very hard for this, you should be very proud. I have no doubt that he will accept you; he would be an idiot not too. That being said, the other reason I have asked you here is to find out how prepared you are for college life. By that I mean have you given thought to how you will pay for things like soap, toilet paper, clothes, supplies, every day essentials? Your grants and scholarships will go just so far, they will pay your tuition, books, lab fees, on campus housing and 2 meals per day. There may be a little money left each semester for incidentals, but it will not be much. With your studies getting full time job is out of the question, perhaps a part time job? There are student loans you could qualify for, but keep in mind they have to be paid back. I don’t want to scare you, but I do want you to think about every aspect of this. I’m excited for you Aaron, and we will do anything we can to make this dream come true for you.”
“Mrs. Tuner and I will do what we can to guide you through the process. Mrs. Turner is already working on trying to find you as many grants and scholarships as we can find. Now, get back to class, don’t want you missing too much. Oh, and Aaron, wear something nice on Monday. I’ll send for you when Mr. Goldman is ready for you.”
Aaron got up and headed out of her office. He walked into the outer office in a daze, there was so much to figure out and there were only 2 days to get all sorted out. He had to be on his “A” game Monday, no room for error, no room for uncertainty, this was a onetime shot, and he had to be ready to grab opportunity when it presented itself. Ms Thompson, the secretary looked and smile. “Congratulations Aaron! I’m so proud of you.” And went back to her work.
Aaron walked back to class still in a daze, there were so many things going through his mind, not the least of which was a fear that he would mess up the interview. He stopped mid step. Ms. Charles had said to wear something nice. Being a ward of the state he didn’t have anything nice to wear, it was a rare occasion for the kids at the orphanage to get new clothes, and they were not what he would call nice. He was standing there pondering the situation when he felt a hand on his shoulder; he turned to see Ms. Charles standing there.
“Aaron, are you ok?”
“I guess, there’s just so much to figure out. I don’t have anything to wear, you said I should wear something nice, I don’t have anything nice.” He was on the verge of tears. He had spent years working hard to show his academic abilities and, the success of all that work would culminate in this one meeting, and he was afraid the deal would be blown because he didn’t own a pair of slacks and a tie.
On Sat, Jan 9, 2010 at 4:36 PM, Mike Olivares
Let me know what you think.
Mike
Destiny is for those too lazy to affect their own lives.
--
The Chrome
a Novel by
Helford Jersey
www.thechromenovel.com
Check out the artwork of Claushtane Bertron at:
www.billypurgatory.com
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www.rmstringerphotography.com
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